sniggitydiggity

I'm running PHP 4.2.2. on a Virtual Dedicated Apache 2/Redhat Linux server. I have root access and I am by [i]no means[/i] a server guy and need [i]THEE MOST BASIC [/i]instructions on how to do this. I've never done anything like this before. Is there a guide for n00bs out here for such a thing? I need broken down, step by step instructions in plain english on how to do it. I have googled and googled and can't find anything I can understand. Everything is written for people who already have some prior knowldge on how to do this. Now, if I can't find anything, I'll just hire someone to do this for me, I'm not gonna mess up my server, but any help is appreciated. Thanks